The past two or three weeks have been a case study in how the mind is so often a more powerful influence on health than the body.
In my last post on Memorial Day weekend, I had just come back from the Clinic, where a CT scan had identified a couple of troublesome spots on my lungs. Well, we waited from the scans on May 26, through to the night of June 7 – Rogers’ graduation night – when I got a call at 10 p.m. from my nurse, who said I had been accepted into the trial. Acceptance meant that an independent radiologist had confirmed that the spots on my lungs were, in fact, not cancerous.
It would be almost impossible for me to summarize my feelings during that interim period where we didn’t know anything about the suspicious spots on the lungs. It wasn’t so much a feeling of fear, as it was a feeling of weight, especially as I read through some stuff the Clinic’s cancer library had about survival rates for recurrence on the lungs. In a lot of ways, I was mentally adapting to the possibility things may not get better.
But after Nurse L’s phone call, everything changed – even though nothing had really changed. After I knew I was ‘clean,’ and on the trial, I started thinking like a healthy person again. Suddenly, I realized my best days could be ahead of me, and not behind me. Nothing physically had changed, but mentally, things were better. The way I walked, the speed I walked, the way I slept all changed, even though nothing had changed. I can’t say enough how oddly the mental part of this disease operates.
So after getting the all-clear on the lungs, we had to schedule a flurry of doctor’s appointments. The first was this past Wednesday, and we arrived at the Clinic at 11:15 for blood work – I commented to Katie, “I wonder how many times I’ve been stuck with needles in the past nine weeks?” Seriously, it’s got to be in excess of 100 times in 60-odd days – maybe more. Then we had to jet over for an EKG, then down to the basement to the coolest damn place I’ve ever seen, nuclear medicine.
Let’s be honest, I’m a sucker for really official-looking notices of danger. As the tech walked me down the hallway, there were signs that looked like fallout shelter warnings, and the biohazard symbol from “28 Days Later,” and then there was a sign about some kind of field-or-another as I was on my way to be injected with Technetium-99.
IT’S A RADIOISOTOPE THAT EMITS GAMMA RAYS. That’s when I realized that I was about to become a superhero. Gamma rays? That’s Bruce Banner! Or Peter Parker! And field stuff? Oh yeah, that’s Jon Osterman, about to become Dr. Manhattan. I admitted to the tech that, frankly, I was totally stoked about being injected with this shit.
“Well, then, you’re going to LOVE this,” she laughed, as she filled out a card. My ID card – my card that notifies law enforcement that it is in fact my NUCLEAR BODY that is setting off their delicate sniffers of atomic particles. Card-carrying Atomic Man? Oh, helllllllll yes!
When I came back out to the waiting room, grinning ear to ear, Katie rolled her eyes. That did not improve when I attempted to fire particle beams from my fingertips in the hallway. Also, much to my disappointment, that did not actually work.
So, I was high on my nascent superpowers when we went to lunch on the Clinic’s rooftop terrace. Frankly, it’s a minor miracle I didn’t attempt to use my potential powers of flight (or at least, jumping real high) while we were up there.
After lunch, we went over to the Taussig Cancer Center. Everytime I am in the waiting room it gives me pause, because I’m not sure if I look as sick as most of the other people there, and I deny it – or if I am looking at the ghosts of Christmas future. It’s not exactly the line for the Millennium Force.
We met with the docs, and there was a problem – one of my blood clotting counts was too high – my blood was too thin by about 2 percentage points to get on the study. They sent me out for a re-test on the blood, and the bone scan (the raison d’etre behind my nuclear injection earlier). I fell dead asleep during the bone scan, much to the tech’s surprise – she said most people get nervous and fidgety. I suppose if I had been any more awake, I might have been, too.
After bolting over there, we dashed back to Taussig to meet with Dr. R and Nurse L again. By this point, my mind was playing games again – preparing myself to accept the fact that I’m not on the trial, and facing more uncertainty. So imagine my delight when Nurse L comes in with her hand in the universally-accepted position of high-five. My blood count had come back down. I was within the trial range by exactly three-tenths of a percentage point.
So now that it was ‘game on,’ we had paperwork to go over, forms to learn about, pills to get, etc. Seriously, we had a tote bag full of information about the drug, and samples of stuff to deal with the side effects. So right there, on the second floor of Taussig, at 5:30 p.m., I took my first dose of The Stuff. Last night, I took a second dose. In another hour, I’ll take dose number three. So far, no side effects. I am not sure if that is a testament to how my superhero body does a great job of warding off unpleasantness – or if I am on the placebo. Time will tell. I sort of wish I would feel some side effects just to know for sure… but by the same token, I’m not in the business of rooting for unusual ‘movements,’ nausea, fatigue, blisters, mouth sores, etc. So I’m just praying that whatever is happening, it’s the right thing.
I go back to Cleveland on Tuesday for a brief check-in to make sure there’s no underlying weirdness happening that I’m not sensing. But for right now, life is good. Really good. And that’s about all any of us can ask for.
