NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
Summary of Intercepts :: The Boyle Cell
The agency has intercepted telephone and
internet communications related to the shadowy revolutionary organization known
as the Boyle Cell throughout the 2013 calendar year. In the wake of the
unauthorized Snowden disclosures, the agency has decided to release a summary
of our analysis of these wiretaps.
WINTER: Social
media intercepts indicated that three agents of the extended Boyle Cell network
arrived in Detroit, Mich. with the express intent of humiliating an American
treasure, Miss Michigan. Boyles with the known aliases of “Joe,” “Ellie,” and
“Papa” threw up an “O-H-I-O” with the beauty queen. Local prosecutors
considered terrorism charges until it was confirmed that Ohio indeed does own
Michigan. Soon after this exploit, “Ellie” suffered a broken arm in what intel
indicates was a ‘basketball incident.’ This story is expected to grow larger
over time.
SPRING: Medical
staff have examined electronic medical records to confirm that “Joe” Boyle had
surgery on a particularly sensitive area for complications from a cancer
treatment-related procedure the previous year. We have not corroborated the
specifics, but intel indicates he really had a ball! At approximately the same
time, phone intercepts imply that the middle Boyle – code name “Joey” – was
initiated into the organization through a rite they call “First Communion,” and
the shortest Boyle (with the nom du
guerre “Mark”) graduated from an indoctrination camp called “Child Development
Center.” “Ellie” undertook a rigorous physical training program through a
religious extremist group monikered “CYO Track.” Much of the training focused
on hurling metal objects at high velocity.
SUMMER: The
entire Boyle Cell made an unexpected trip to Orlando, Fla. in mid-June. Agency
assets conducted 24-hour observation of the cell during this trip, observing a
number of suspicious interactions. The small Boyle Cell members were observed
in physical embraces (likely live drops) with disguised, and as-of-yet unidentified
characters with the street names of “Mickey,” “Minnie,” and “Goofy” and various
superheros and wizards. Analysts have pored over the situation, and can find no
way the Boyle Cell could have financed this complex of an operation without the
help of angels. Later in the summer, “Joe” attended one of the most dangerous
gatherings of suspected insurgents seen in recent years, the 20th
class reunion of the St. John’s Class of 1993. Throughout the summer, the Boyle Cell seemed
to be preparing for a water-borne attack, as they spent so much time at the
city pool, the children were said to have sprouted gills. “Joe” went so far as
to complete a triathlon in late summer, and the sight of him in tight trunks
was a clear threat to national security.
FALL: As summer
closed, the Boyle Cell lost one of its most potent weapons, a ferocious 13 year
old canine named “Emerald.” Considered the heart and soul of the Cell, the
dog’s death cast a pall on the organization. Weeks later, “Joe” went back to
his job in recruitment and training of young ideologues in Toledo, Ohio.
Simultaneously, all three of the small Cell members began attending a madrassa
known as “St. Aloysius.” This development was greeted with enthusiasm by “Joe”
and “Katie” because it eased the daily logistical problems of infiltration and
exfil. The Cell was broken up for a few days as “Katie” snuck out to eastern
Pennsylvania with a subset of radicals informally known as the “Mom Friends.”
“Joe” undertook a training regimen at the end of the year aimed at running 26.2
miles in the dead of winter. We expect he will be successful as he has already
completed 13.1 miles but will monitor his sanity closely. Near the very end of
the year, “Joey” was indoctrinated into the dangerous doomsday cult known as
the “Cleveland Browns.” His excitement level was recorded by thermal monitoring
equipment at Fort Meade, Md.
NSA will monitor the Boyle Cell into the
foreseeable future. The Cell has made clear that they are thinking of their
friends and family this winter, and are ominously hoping for a great 2014 for
all.
