Dream it all up again

I’ve tried really hard tonight to come up with a great literary device to frame this update. But my mind is all over the place, my health has been all over the place, and my spirit has been all over the place.Let’s start with the easy stuff… cancer.

PHYSICAL HEALTH: Just days after the last update I wrote for the health blog, my side effects really, really kicked in. It began with some cold-like symptoms the week of 9 March, and then on the weekend of 14 March, it got RAW. I had a headache that pierced from temple-to-temple, and behind the eyes. I had tremendous joint pain, and aches up and down my spine from the base of my skull to the pelvis. It was really, really unpleasant.

    The docs put me on 60 mg of Prednisone to deal with what they rightly believed was inflammation of the brain and central nervous system.Transitioning onto the Prednisone was no joke. My emotions were all over the place; well, maybe not ALL over the place. Most of the time they were between“WHITE HOT RAGE” and “IRRITABLE LIKE SOUP NAZI.” As Vincent Vega would have described it, I was a “race car in the red,” and you do NOT want to keep a race car in the red, Jules.

    The Prednisone did its job, and the side effects really decreased, tothe point where I ran 15 miles in one week for the first time since the marathon. Throughout that time, I had some weird side effects pop up, then pop back. A lot of them had to do with my vision, going blurry, spinning, etc. I ended up in with neurologists, neuro-opthamologists, and on, and on.  Mixed in with that, my beloved ’96 Volvo, Ingrid, had some serious front end work done. Sometimes the vision spinning was bad enough I got nauseous, and then dealt with that. But,inevitably, they had to wean me off the Pred to get back on the treatment. The phasing down was a real treat; and then on 2 May I had infusion 3. I have been on the very low level of Pred since then, and it hasn’t been a ton of fun. Lots of headaches, some vision problems, and such. This Friday, I will (pretty pretty please) have infusion4, and then we’ll be out of the induction phase and into the maintenance phase of this experiment; supposedly, that’s when things will get a lot better in the side effects department, insh’Allah.

    The good news from the last check-up at Cleveland was that one of the tumors appeared to be smaller. They don’t do that on their own. And that’s the one piece of news I am holding onto for dear life right now.

MENTAL/SPIRITUAL HEALTH: I've found myself 'stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it' at work. The state teacher evaluation system is an absolute nightmare, and if I was younger and healthier, I really think I’d be seriously considering a different occupation. As it has been said around the state, “I love teaching, but I hate my job.” The relentless focus on numbers means we’re focusing almost exclusively on things that can be counted – and smarter people than I have commented intelligently on what you get when you do that.

    With where I’m at in life, I think a lot about legacy. You really can’t help it; once they talk to you about Stage IV cancer, it’s a bell that can’t be un-rung. No matter how positive you choose to be, when push comes to shove, if they even hint that death is a possibility, you really do start thinking about the legacy you’re going to leave behind, and what you can do to influence that.

    This has brought me to a career crossroads in a lot of ways. I know that teaching is one thing I’m pretty good at, but to what ends? Getting kids to pass a test that seems increasingly meaningless? Or to actually equip them with a toolbox with which they can seize life by the throat? Next year I’m reinventing a lot of what I do to try to address the most fundamental things my kids need to learn: Break big projects into small tasks. Decisions have consequences. Get off Reynolds Road and see the world. Figure out who you are, and where you come from. Develop a sense of place. Honor your predecessors. You get out of things what you put into things. Maybe those lessons will match up with the state standards,maybe they won’t.

    All of these legacy decisions have been made even more emotional for me over the past week as we prepare to say goodbye to my favorite senior class since 2008. One of the greatest things about being a teacher is that it’s a cyclical job. Every year has a cycle, every year has a rhythm. The two biggest parts of that are saying hello, and saying goodbye. Some years it’s easy to say goodbye. REALLY easy.  Other times, it’s rather difficult.

    This year is one of the difficult years. This year’s seniors were freshmen when I got sick. With no notable exceptions, they were the angels on my shoulder every step of the way; in my corner when I went off to IL-2 treatment in '12,on my side through the watchful waiting of '13, and they’ve had my back throughout the treatment this year.  They’re also a group I’ve had in class more times than any other group. Five of the seniorsI’ve had in class for four courses. Another 12 I’ve had three times.  Ten of them I had twice. All that means is that I’ve had a chance to get to know them, as kids, and now as young adults. Especially over the last semester, I’ve gotten to know a handful of the core group better as writers, and editors, as they clean up their research papers, and learned some more of their backstory, some more of their work ethic. I’m really going to miss being part of their great successes, their personal tragedies, their near-misses, and their lucky moments.

    All of the senior week and graduation stuff has had me really reflecting on what I’m *doing*, what my legacy is at Rogers, and what my professional future is. Have I done what I'm gonna do? I think all of this would be a lot easier if I was 100 percent sure I was going to be,you know, alive, five or ten years out. (That statement, of course, is for me and every other human who ever lived…)

    I’ve thought since mid-March about a speech Bono threw out there, off the cuff, on the last show of the Lovetown tour in ’89 – the famous Point Depot concert in Dublin. He says, “I was explaining the other night, this is just the end of something for U2, and that’s why we’re playing these concerts, and throwing a party for ourselves, and you. It’s no big deal, it’s just that wehave to go away and… just dream it all up again.” Do I have another ‘next act’ left? Or if I figure out a next act, do I forsake what legacy I have created?  I suppose none of usreally know the answer to that question, so we just muddle through as best we can. This is the gift and the curse of a serious illness; you gain such a respect and awe for life, but you can’t just shove the thoughts of mortality away.

A simple questions

from Joe's FB 3/11/14

There are a lot of parts of the cancer experience that I think most people can empathetically extend themselves to understand: Insurance company fights. The nervousness the week before scans. I think people can even instinctively understand the internal struggle of facing one’s own mortality. But last night I got caught by a sucker punch that I didn’t see coming, and the nonchalance of it has had me reeling for the past 18 hours or so.



Last night, I went into the boys’ room, and all three of us independently read silently for a while – Mark, a Star Wars book; Joey, a Wimpy Kid book; me, another book shattering the legend of Douglas MacArthur. Mark finished his reading first, and in a chipper voice, completely unconcerned, said:



“Dad? Are you going to be alive when I’m ten?”



I don’t think he meant it the way I perceived it. Frankly, I don’t think he completely understands what we’re fighting, certainly not in the way Ellie or Joey understand it. It caught me completely off balance. I answered,



“I sure hope so, buddy.”



“Are you going to be alive when I’m 16?”



“I plan on it.”



“Are you going to be alive when I get married?”



“I sure hope I am there for that, pal.”



I have tried very hard to be positive throughout all of this, and I still believe deeply that I *can* win. There are times I’m cocky enough to know that I’m going to win. I also know full well that NONE of us can promise that we’re going to be around tomorrow, much less 20 years into the future. But his questions last night absolutely cut to the core of my greatest fears.



What if I’m NOT there when they turn 16?



What if I’m NOT there when they get married?



All of these questions first crossed my mind three years ago at the end of this month, on the second floor of Wood County Hospital, as a doctor told me I had a large tumor, that was almost certainly cancerous, and was too dangerous to be operated upon locally. At first, my concern was completely self-centered. *I* didn’t want to miss being at all of these things. Later, my concern drifted to them – kids, both natural and extended, growing up without a dad. The sorrow that would be in the corner of every joyful moment they’d have. The sometimes unspoken “I wish Dad was here to…” Maybe I put too much stock in fatherhood, there are plenty of great mom-led families I know. Maybe it’s an inflated sense of self-importance, and they’ll be just fine without a dad.



At this point in this journey, I think that’s the only thing I’m truly scared of. Actual dying? I suppose that’s the easy part. It’s imagining the twinge of sadness that it will bring to their lives that really shakes me.

Treatment number 2

Treatment number 2 was so uneventful I forgot to write about it. Joe taught in the morning and I picked him up at 10:30 so we could be to his first appointment at 1:00. The Joe "fresh out of the classroom" is much different than the Joe "with a 20-30 drive after the classroom". Not bad or good really just that he needs time to change from urban school teacher-history guru-crime fighter to husband-father-runner-cancer fighter and it is best if that is done on his own, in his head, with no noise, and on a good day, a nap.

While in room 47 hooked up to the IV meds, we had visits from Cleveland Clinic PR people (again), and cousin Marybeth, and childhood friend Jessie.

Unlike the first treatment, Joe does not need to be seen or have blood work each week so we will not be back to the Clinic until March 28.

Round one done!

At first I was thinking this was the low and high weekend. But really we were looking forward to getting started on this I think the whole weekend was a high. Joe has his first dose of Nivolumab and Ipilimumab Friday. I think the worst part was the 2 hours of observation after the last of the Super Soldier Serum left the IV bag when we were getting hungry and tired.

We had a nice warm dinner, conversation, and accommodations with Joe's cousin Marybeth. Saturday we enjoyed some time (and Swensen's) with Marybeth, Dan, Christine, Courtney and Kevin. Later in the evening we were dressed up for the Cornerstone of Hope Gala with Katie's brother Rick, his wife Michelle and other DiGeronimos.  Joe was out of his mind excited about meeting his childhood idol Bernie Kosar. Sunday, after a mandatory stop at Parma Royal Donuts we were on our way home. Mass, and a family movie was a great reentry. 

Shirts

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Before marathon tour

I did not get this posted here in a timely manner but watch it any way to see Joe and JD have fun.

Humbled

A couple of nights before Thanksgiving, JD & Heather Pooley, John & Elizabeth Gorski and I met out at Gorski’s house to talk about this idea for a little marathon. That night, we debated a number of issues; indoor, or outdoor? Trail, or road? Most importantly, big, or little?

That night, I lobbied hard for a small race – just the five of us runners, lacing ‘em up, and doing our thing. One contributing reason to it is the reason I hate to share. There’s a shirt I saw on Pinterest or something that said “If you’re going to run with me, you’d better be ready to do a lot of walking!” My running isn’t running the way it used to be. Anything over five miles, I have to do a mix of walk and run to keep my left leg from seizing up from the blood clot residue from three years ago. I generally run 2-4 minutes, then walk 1-2 minutes, for the whole 26 miles. So if you see me walking, it’s not because I quit, it because of what I do to be able to “run.”

A couple of weeks ago, the homily at church was about what humility really means; it is to be willing to be embarrassed. As this race has gotten larger, I know I’m going to be embarrassed by the glacially slow pace I keep. I know a lot of people look at this as a ‘triumph of the human spirit’ thing with me, but that, too, is kind of embarrassing. I’m willing to be embarrassed, as long as all of y’all are willing to consider the way I really see this thing: It’s a triumph of God’s love through the love of family, friends, and community.

I’m not doing this thing alone – what should impress you is the groups of people who have dropped everything to be a part of this. THOSE are the heroes here. I could never have even started training were it not for Katie and the kids. And it goes without saying that the people who will be closest with me on the run itself are JD, Elizabeth, Meg, & Dr. Rini – who committed, without hesitation, to a race on what could easily have been one of the worst weather days of the year. All the other friends who originally 'adopted  a mile' to run with us! It’s hard to imagine a stronger bond of friendship and love than that. All of our families; in my case, my parents, my sister, and all of the Boyle & Miller kin, from the beginning, have been supportive of this; so too has our church community at St. Al’s. And then the way the running community coalesced around it starting on Monday – from all over the country !; and the way the Bowling Green community – from the city offices, to the BGPD, to Grounds, to the BGSU Athletic Department, Dr. Heather, Alex, Dave’s Footware, the Roadrunners, Team Toledo, and everyone I’m forgetting in the five minutes I have to write this – came together to help as soon as this thing started getting WAY WAY bigger than any of us ever anticipated. I learned a lot about the communities I’ve lived in; from my hometown of GrandRapids, Otsego Local, to the SJ brotherhood, to the old West Hall gang from BGSU, through the Fort Wayne friends dialing in support, and especially the Rogers High/Toledo Public Schools folks who are indeed TPS Strong in every way. I’ve got others who have helped, and are going to run with me tomorrow, too. My Uncle Paul. My grandparents. A lot of you who have supported us along the way –you’ve had relatives you lost over the past few years, and they’re with me,too. All of this support, from the physical presence, to the spirits I feel are with us on this, it’s all the working of the Holy Spirit. How fitting that we’re running on a Sunday, and every footstep can be a prayer of thanksgiving for the ability to come together as a community; a prayer than everyone can feel this sort of love at some point in their lives; a prayer that we can see past our differences, and embrace the feeling of community and family, in all of its different forms!

I’ll see a lot of you out there tomorrow. I hope I get to thank every one of you individually, but I also know that, two weeks ago after my 20 mile run, I was pretty much delirious, with my core temp going low, and if those of us who did the full bug out pretty quickly, it ain’t because we don’t love you all !!!